stop stalking me

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

why it is hard to say goodbye

Is it really so hard to say goodbye? Why does it hurt to say goodbye? Emotions, something every man must face in this world.

Read from one of my friend's blog that her grandfather passed away. It made me remember the day my grandpa left us. It was heart-rending. Everytime i think of it, the vivid images would simply flash by so naturally. Every single second, every single thing that took placed was played back, like a movie without sound.

Sometimes i wondered to myself, why didn't i have enough courage to take one last look at grandpa? What exactly was i afraid of? He's my grandpa after all. Perhaps i was still young then. But it wasn't an excuse.

I was 14 when grandpa passed away. I was his favourite grandchild. I remembered him taking me down to the playground, buying me small treats and stuffs just to make me happy. Whenever i made a mistake and was about to be punished, he would stand up for me and protect me. He would always say that i'm still young and i'll learn once i grow up. He is my shield, my protector. Someone i wished had never left. Both of us loved to watch wrestling on tv. Though my parents always discourage me from watching, nothing is impossible with grandpa around. We would even bet which wrestler would win the match. Right now images of his warm smile slowly form in my head, like a jigsaw puzzle. If i could, i would return to that very moment and stay there forever. Bliss.

I heard from mom that grandpa had high expectations of me, my future. Maybe that was the reason why he is always my source of motivation to improve. I love my grandpa, but i guess he never knew. For i was not someone who is good at expressing oneself then.

Everytime i think of grandpa, guilt would strike me. Everytime. Till now i'm still puzzled why i couldn't muster the courage to look at him for one last time. He must have felt very dissapointed in me. I had to make some confessions. I didn't cry when at the wake not because i didn't feel anything at all. I was too afraid to show the weak me, to cry in front of everyone. I wanted to put up a strong front. It wasn't easy for me at all. When tears clogged up in your eyes and you had to control it, not letting any drop of it fall. Something stucked at your throat and you can't breathe properly. And your heart beats faster every second. It's really hard. I mean it. I didn't understand why i even tried to put up a strong front.

At the wake, i walked near the coffin. I tried my very best not to look at my grandpa lying inside. I was really afraid. I wanted very much to look at him, but i just couldn't. I didn't know why. But! I did looked at my grandpa eventually. But it wasn't intentional. I guess it was grandpa. He made me took a glance at him. I was super frightened when i saw him. My heart beated super fast and i ran out to the open... taking deep breathes. I guess grandpa really wanted me to take one last look at him. My reaction would have definately hurt his feelings. Till now i still feel the guilt. If he knew how sorry i am now, he would forgive me wouldn't him? If i could turn back the time, i will definately take one last look at him. Even if it meant sleepless nights.

I guess in everyone's brain lies a chip. A chip called memory. A chip that is irremovable/unerasable.

Today something not so good happen in ARDC. Guess i really need a change in environment. Wrote a appeal letter already, will send it over to NP asap.

Leaving. Is a act of departing. To me, it means putting everything down and move on. Sounds easy. But it's hard for both parties.. the one leaving and the one bidding farewell.

Anyway, nothing's been confirmed just as yet. So... it's all up to fate now. They might / might not accept me. Don't wish to pin any hopes in case i get disappointed again. But if i'm really to leave, there will be pals that i'll miss. Miss the crapping, the jokes, the outings, the hot gossips, miss irritating each other, miss taking bus with wendy, miss getting scolded by shiying, miss lijuan's chocolates.....miss buying breakfast for her... miss sharing food with 'em.

Right, shall stop now. Don't wish to continue anymore.

11:14 PM
i spilled milk on the lawn